Quė? What?

Just because no one understands what I am saying anyway, I have decided to greet everyone in te reo. So they all get Kia ora or tena koe or tena koutou katoa.  I wish I knew enough to be fluent because that is what I'd be speaking.
McDonald's is the only place nearby that has food. I am so middle class because I don't know what to order. The moccha comes with 20cms of canned cream. Probably does in NZ too; I just haven't had it before.
People are friendly indeed and I don't think I have been anywhere without people stopping to say hello. Maybe I just have that tragic look about me.. Anyhoo today it was a lady who had been in such a hurry to get out that she had forgotten her teeth.  I should imagine that being gummed to death would be a slow way to go. She was registering her concern about a young couple in the queue who seemed to be locked in some kind of mortal combat although the toothless lady described it as "groping."
I sat beside another older lady whose sphincter was linked to her mandible so every time she chewed, she putt putted. She did it with such nonchalance too as if it had nothing to do with her.

My worst fears were realised back on the ranch when I pulled up the bedcover and found that the previous guest had left something of him or herself behind on the cover. Bring on the gagging. Reminds me of when Donna and I were on a board retreat in Hanmer and the covers were rich with DNA. Absolutely gross. My dry retching is a finely honed skill.

And so the walk back to the hotel and the lovely kids mini golf theme park. Yup the water is bright blue.

Welcome To The Second Best Exotic Maple Leaf Hotel

For the second time in my short life I decided to opt for room service. It is such a lovely day and I fancied breakfast on the balcony overlooking the bay. 7am is too early for the restaurant to answer the phone so I was directed by reception to call back at a more reasonable time. I called at 7.45 am but that  didn't suit for room service. I gave up and went to the restaurant and asked to be seated outside. Definitely not before 9am. Sorry folks but Canada is closed. Please call back later and be sure to have a nice day.

Parksville Beach

Part of the beach has a section of fitness equipment and all kinds of people go there to work out. It's kinda like narcissism without the mirrors, just lots of people watching. I must admit it did look good and people of all ages were working out. There were quite a few mums and kids and older couples burning the chubs. Good for them I thought as I ate my pizza,  ice cream and super thick shake, followed by a multi donut chaser and some fries.
There's a trailer park on the beach with some big trailers/caravans. Pleasant way to spend a vacation.

Clearly I have nothing to do

Consider the Canadian toilet. The bowl stays 3/4 filled with water. I figured the first time I saw this phenomenon 2 years ago that I had blocked the toilet and despite taking off my shoes and stomping down in the bowl, nothing moved. Now I get it. It is disconcerting and a trap for young players as the water level is very high so not really the place to relax the gluteus maximus and allow for  southern drift. 

Walkies

Dear readers. What an adventure I had today. All of the animals I did not see include bald eagles (there are some in the trees here), raccoons, squirrels, deer, moose and bison.
I went walking looking for some shops and found a McDonald's. It was like an insight into Gods Departure lounge. It must be pension day today. They smelled like I did yesterday in transit. I asked for a moccha and the lady looked disgusted. "Oh," she exclaimed as if she had translated what I had said from Hindi to English, "You mean a mōccha." "Yis," I quipped back, " end cowd oi have a fush burger and some  chups?" I showed her.

I met a lovely Asian lady on my walk who stopped to talk about iPhones. She lives an hour north of Vancouver. The Asian lady thinks we are part of the euro deal and advised me to buy dollars. Bless her.On the beach I met an Argentinian lady who lives in Manitoba with winter temps of -40. They were both very chatty and friendly. 

There are some gorgeous kitch tourist places here. It is the Mecca for mobile homes and big caravans with lots of beachside camping grounds.
It was quite warm on the beach and I had an admiring crowd when I paraded in my bikini. Someone said they were whale watch but they didn't have the Greenpeace badges so I doubt it. Just friendly admiring people.
There is a 4 month drought in progress here, So people watch the horizon and talk about rain.
I am tealess. There is no tea in Canada. They have the sweepings from the floor of a sweat shop and coffee whitener. What's with that? So it's water or nothing. I am on a detox programme involuntarily. 

Some pics from Vancouver Airport and Nanaimo Airport and Parksville

The closest I will get to a bear.

The view from my balcony in Parksville BC

Sad tales of a traveller

Sometimes you just have to accept that the Universe is not spinning in the same direction as you are.
My mum taught me that ladies never sit on public toilet seats so with her admonition  ringing in my ears I took my chances and levitated above the seat at ChCh airport. Sadly I didn't calculate the force of gravity and the tendency of the human body to misfire under duress. The good news is that I missed the porcelain bowl. I did hit the seat, floor and my tights. Strike one.  I found it quite challenging having to climb into the handbasins to clean up.
Needing sustenance  I bought a buttered slice. The butter preferred my dress. Strike 2. So by the time I boarded the airplane I smelt like dried urine and rancid butter.
In the aircraft I felt safe. Premium economy oh yeah.
I made a wee faux pas when they brought the dinner tray as I assumed that the entree was the main so I ate it along with the dessert and cheese. The flight attendant could sense that I was  unaccustomed to fine dining and looked at me with a mixture of disdain and pity as she laid the main dish alongside my empty dessert plate. I explained to her that I had " no English." I did consider my Tourette's go to, but it is a confined space.

Then the toilet.
Trip one: the soap dispenser was under considerable pressure and fired into my hair, over my clothes and down my neck. I must admit it smelt better than the urine or butter. No harm done. Job completed, pressed the pressurised flusher and the vacuum took the longest edges of my dress into the toilet bowl.
It's no wonder I love Miranda.
Trip 2: time to clean the teeth before landing in Vancouver after spending much of the night with my jaw collapsed onto my chest looking like an old lady having a wee zzzz in a rest home.
Now I'm proud of my organisation so equipped with toothbrush and toothpaste, and happy to flash it about to show everyone that my personal hygiene is above criticism, I enter the toilet and squeeze out the paw paw lip balm onto the toothbrush. 
The man in the seat next to the spare one beside me assured me he wasn't a religious man but I think I caught him praying!!!!! Might have been when I started to eat the toothpaste to counter the paw paw moisturiser in my mouth.
My clothes are now 24 hours dirty and no panty liners or underarm deodorant are  going to help. If I get sick here and need any cultures taking I'll just give them my clothes. I have The Lazarus Effect and I stinketh.
O Canada 
If you're into "songs in the Key of M" on YouTube you'll find a great song called "in Canada." Yeeha.
I'm at Vancouver Airport in the domestic terminal. There is more security here than in any other place I have been. They took my toothpaste!!!!! How very dare they. I'm waiting to fly out to Vancouver Island so I've had a 4+ hour wait in a beautiful airport with some of the rudest, most unhelpful people on earth. It's Basil Fawlty Land. My kiwi accent is a killer. My coffee cup at Starbucks read "LIGNTEN." They insisted that was me. I find myself speaking slowly and shouting"

The good news is that the flight to Vancouver Island is overbooked so now we wait. The check in chick was not willing to negotiate me having the pilots seat. I have walked one end of the airport to the other and over several levels. It's a 22 minute flight and I reckon I've walked the kms from here to Vancouver anyway. I even tried a little cry, whimper thing but she gave me the "grow a pair look" so I panicked and told her I could wait several days if it suited her. They are offering a $400 flight incentive for anyone who will take the later flight.

I've seen a bowl of poutine but can't look it in the eye. If Duane were here he'd be ordering a large box of Tim Hortons donuts but I can't brave that either. So now I wait.

But wait there's more. I took the time to have one last nervous pre flight visit to the bathroom. As I was leaving the restroom a lovely lady in airport uniform called me over to tell me that I had my dress caught in my knickers.